It finally hit me today…

My mother committed suicide on October 5th, 2011.

I came home from school, and me and her got in an argument…just a stupid one, like we always got into. I got mad, and told her I was going to leave to go to my friend Sam’s house who lives down the road.  I slammed the door shut and went to my friends house without thinking anything.

Around about 5:30p.m. I started to get a little curious as to why my mother was not calling me or texting me like she normally does when i’m at my friend’s house. I started getting worried. My friend and I were talking and we both said “What if she killed herself?” Because my mom was messed up in the head, and had attempted suicide before. She was always telling me how she was going to kill herself. So I worried ALL the time.

I got home around 6:30 p.m. I couldn’t find my mom anywhere. Her bedroom door was locked, and her dog Ebony was laying outside the door scratching at it and whining. I started crying. I didn’t know for sure what had happened at that point. But i knew something was wrong, i don’t know how, but i felt something was wrong. I kept calling and calling, still, no answer. My grandpa came to my room and asked if I knew where my mom was, I said no. Then he said, “I don’t know either, she went on a walk about an hour and a half after you left.”

I started balling my eyes out. I just knew, I had this feeling that she had done something terrible. I left my house and went looking for her. I live by woods, and she use to always go there to clear her head and think about things. So I knew right where to check for her. I took the long way, to waste time, I was too scared that my feeling was right.  I called her best friend, to see if she had heard from her. She said she hadn’t talked to her for a few hours.

Once i got into the woods, I started calling her name. I kept screaming “MOM! MOM HELLO!?!? ARE YOU IN HERE? MOM?”, but of course.. there was no response. I started walking faster, I felt like i was the main character of a horror movie. It didn’t seem like i was literally walking through the woods. It felt fake.

As I got a little farther in the woods, I saw someone standing up in the distance. I started screaming for my mom louder and a sigh of relief came out of my mouth, I ran up to where she was…But I was shocked by my sight. There was my mom. Dressed in her favorite jacket, blue robe, and favorite shoes. She was hanging from a tall tree by a white sheet it looked like. I fell to the ground. unable to speak, unable to move, unable to cry, unable to talk. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to believe that this lifeless body hanging dead was my mom. I sat on the ground thinking about what to do. I finally called her best friend. I was screaming, “MY MOM. I FOUND HER. NANCY SHE’S DEAD NANCY. SHE KILLED HERSELF I DIDN’T THINK SHE WOULD BUT SHE DID. NANCY PLEASE HELP ME WHY IS THIS HAPPENNING TO ME WHY!?!?!” 

Finally I got some sanity back into my head and stood up, and ran through the woods towards my house. I tripped over a large root, fell, stood up and kept running. I got to my house and by that point i was crying and my grandpa asked what was wrong. “SHE KILLED HERSELF GRANDPA MY MOM SHE’S DEAD!” My uncle came over to me and started yelling telling me i had to go show him where she was. But i didn’t want to go back into the woods. He yelled and yelled till finally i got up and ran back to her dead body. I sat on the ground balling my eyes out to the sight of him cutting her down and attempting to give her CPR. I stood up to go back to my grandpa.

When i got out of the woods, the paramedics where already there and went back to her. My neighboors dad told me to wait inside. So i did. The paramedics came to me to check if i was in shock. The rest of the night I spent waiting. Waiting for the sheriff to pronounce my mom dead. After several hours of waiting, the Sheriff came in and said to me, “I am truthfully sorry, but your mom is gone. When we found her, her heart was still beating, but she lost too much blood flow to her head. And when we used the shocks, it wouldn’t work cause there was movement in the heart.” These words broke my heart.

My mom will never be there graduation day to take pictures with me. My mom will never be at my wedding to see me get married. My mom will never see my kids, and my kids will only have one grandma. They’ll probably ask me one day why they are different. Why they only have one grandma, instead of two like all the other kids. I’m dreading this day. They will think there grandma was a bad person because she killed herself. But you know what? she was the best god damn mom anyone could have. and i’m glad and proud to say she was my mom. She raised me to be a strong girl. And i love her, and always will <3

This is the first time i’ve talked about this since her funeral. It feels good to vent and finally get this off my chest. Also, if you are depressed and are having/know someone with suicidal thoughts. PLEASE i mean PLEASE, tell somebody. I’m always here for you even if you don’t know me. Suicide is a big mistake and it does not fix any problems. It just causes more. I love you mom. I hope you’re having a fun time in heaven. Don’t forget about me, please <3


(Source: supgorgeousily)

  • Posted: Wednesday October 19th, 2011 at 7:35pm
  • 385 notes
  • · #Suicide #don't kill yourself #suicide hotline
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    14. sunfloweranna reblogged this from symphonyofwolves and added:
      this really brought tears to my eyes
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      sooo sad